“It feels odd to say that I’m struggling being on holiday. For many a holiday is the absolute epitome of relaxation, the opportunity to indulge and recouperate.
Currently on a cruise, stuffily get isn’t quite the word to do justic to how low and scared I’m feeling.
There are so many questions spinning around and around, “do this today because you’d usually be at work” you need to be more active today because you’d be off work usually”
I’m using my poor mother to help me track calories and half way to the top of a stunning park in Barcelona I had the mother of paddies because I wanted to track my lunch.
We’re back to tracking calories as I have committed to getting up to that 2300 the bmr calculation for someone as active as me, and that’s just to sustain my weight apparently.
And of course at 645 this morning my alarm sprung to life beckoning me for my hi intensity workout for as much fat and calorie burn as possible.
I’m already thinking and worrying about breakfast, already counting the calories I intend to consume and working out what day of the week it is so I can compare it to being at home.
This isn’t a holiday- this is a continuation of my miserable anorexic existence. This isn’t fun, it isn’t pleasant and as well
As ruining it for me it’s also ruining it for my mum who has to pick up the prices time and time again.- it’s not her fault though, I know it’s not but she’s certainly the easiest one to blame, she’s the one I can take this out on, unceremoniously giving her all my crap and giving nothing back- just empty promises and a lot of swearing.
I desperately wish that she and everyone else could understand the fear, I wish that I could give this all to someone else to deal with. To tell me, black and white, eat this, do this amount of exercise and that’s fine. The rest of the time sit down and relax!”
What I want to highlight from this entry is that ED doesn’t take a day off. It doesn’t have a vacation from your mind. It’s in for the long haul until you decide to recover and until you work on deciding what your recovery is going to look like.
To being with, autonomy in deciding what you eat, exercise and work may be things that you need to give to other people- that’s ok. Intuitive eating will come and so will spontaneity but put in the hard work first.
If you can relate to the entry, take comfort that we’ve been there! You’re not weird, you’re not alone but that you are unwell. These feelings and behaviours are typical for someone in the depths of a very ravenous illness. Take support from the fact that on that same holiday I did stop exercising, I did eat icecrem and I did relax. I came back smiling.
Take the advise from others who have been in a similar situation but then forge your own route to recovery however waY is right, Bespoke and tailored to you.
If you are on a waiting list for a generic consultation- please get in touch and let’s work together on securing your safety, health and happiness.
All it takes is that little bit of hope.