I’ve been complacent in keeping up with any sort of writing to my own blog.
I’ve given plenty to other articles, publications, workshops and trainings but forgot the one place that I always used to find the most solace and peace- my own prose.
Looking back, I’ve always focused on everything in relation to the anorexia, the eating disorder that as I freely admit, destroyed my life, ripped at every part of it and left me with a shell- physically, emotionally and psychologically. But my mental health is not confined to the gates of anorexia. Instead mental illness has flooded and engulfed me like a tidal wave. A tidal wave so epic that I, nor anyone around me has the the strength to hold it back.
In the past, the word depression is one that I don’t think I have ever fully understood. People spoke of it like a black cloud, a darkness and a hole. In my naivety, I would think these people needed to give themselves a shake- how could someone not just cheer up? Don’t get me started on anxiety- get a grip I used to think, how can socialising be scary? How can you be scared to leave the house…
Until it happened.
Until it hit me
Time and time again. Relentless, overwhelming and uncontrollable.
Now I understand what it’s like to see no light, no hope or focus.
To wake up, and heart breakingly ask… why did I bother?
Now I understand what it is like to feel chronic loneliness despite having everything and what it feels like to be scared of living let alone having a life.
We encourage one another to speak about our mental health, to encourage and promote dialogue. Yet for some reason, I felt unable to do so. Embarrassed and ashamed that my mental illness would somehow make me an accessory to weakness.
So why write this? Why expose myself so publicly, to my friends, colleagues, employers and every person who takes the time to read this. Well it’s simple, because I am not invisible, I’m not a fighter, a warrior or survivor. I am me- Hannah, and that is enough.
So this is a pledge, not to you but to myself. To commit to my writing once again, to journey the ups and downs of life as someone who openly struggles with their HEALTH And to remind myself, you and all of us that we have everything and more to live for, be present for… it might just require a little more work at times.
You’re not alone, I am not alone.
Be an ear to hear.