Warning, I can feel this is going to be a controversial one but BARE WITH ME!
Anorexia, it kind of does what it says on the tin, well it certainly did for me and that meant that I lost a significant amount of weight. I resorted to behaviours that I am neither proud of nor comfortable in sharing, but I became a shell of my former self in mind, body and soul.
It was a destroying period of my life and one that continues to haunt me, control me and take precedence in my life.
Part of recovery, especially for someone weight restoring is a meal plan ( dum dum dum). The goal of the dietician is pleasantly innocent: to restore my ravaged body to glory, to fill it wth nutritional goodness, yumminess and revive my depleted body from the brink of extinction.
But what did it also do?… Well it engrained a whole new level of disordered eating which to this day I cannot shift, I cannot rid myself of and which has its creepy and manipulative hands all over me.
Hello the humble calorie. Please stand whilst I count every one of you. Please remain still on those scales whilst I weigh the last crumb of CousCous and please Asda make it easier to split a pack of Pastrami (no one eats 100g of Pastrami…)
Hunger cues?… Please jog on, I cannot possibly cave into your demands if it is not a meal time according to my minute by minute schedule. And to the person with the “would you like a little bit of my birthday cake”.. Um, NOOOOO, where is that on the plan of plans for the plan to be a plan of the meal plan STAN!
AnEarToHear was created out of love but more out of frustration at the fact that I couldn’t get the support that I felt I truly needed. When I look back though compared to the state of my life now, am I not now still in so much of a mess and disorder because of that very help?
Sure, I am now living, breathing and functioning. I am not anywhere near that terrifying position of risk that I once was but I mean mentally, am I really any better? Am I really in any more control or has Anorexia still got its manipulative and devious hold over me. Unfortunately I think it is the latter and for that, whilst I know I have to take responsibility, I do purport some of the blame on to the services that gave me that meal plan and told me that to recover I would have to eat X amount of calories made up of X Y Z at times A B C together with snacks of C B A with this crap!
This is a picture I received from one of the EarToHear girls, who is desperately trying to navigate their way to recovery…
Now you tell me, reader, friends, colleagues and other known associates who are fortunate enough to be reading my ramblings- does this look appetising?
Do these look like the kind of plates of food that you would want to indulge in, that you think would banish Anorexia to the realms of insignificance?
Or are these the plates that are defined by anorexia, that are dictated to and held ransom by sets of ridiculous rules?
When I questioned these plates the reply was simple, innocent and defiant.
“They’re fine, as they are all to plan…”
It breaks my heart. It makes me so sad, that, like me, this individual is questioning if this is going to be her life for ever.
If she will ever be free from her meal plan.
If she and I will ever be free from Anorexia.
But this was my dinner… I’m getting there…